Auditions are taking place over the next few months in which all the female applicants will be regularly and vigorously tested for their skills and adaptability, in what is regarded as an extremely fluid and dynamic post.
![It’s Saturday! So here’s a sexy autostereogram.
[reddit.]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_szPNCHpbp_TWiTezpclfZWXceR98fO0ymD2-jYERsXxKWi7-PUTBf6JiKV17GfX0vQHvozLg3qMqLUmzCcO27pVd_Dd45ob8bt-iDOnzVqmCqtmbEt8ivAyjxL1WYWN_k=s0-d)
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Sunday, 30 May 2010
RAF Bloke Holds Butler Auditions
The latest masses of applicants for the highly sought after positions of RAF Bloke's Butlers pose for a photo outside of RAF Bloke's country retreat.
Auditions are taking place over the next few months in which all the female applicants will be regularly and vigorously tested for their skills and adaptability, in what is regarded as an extremely fluid and dynamic post.
Auditions are taking place over the next few months in which all the female applicants will be regularly and vigorously tested for their skills and adaptability, in what is regarded as an extremely fluid and dynamic post.
Saturday, 29 May 2010
Bad Laws!
From Constantly Furious
Much squealing, wailing and moaning in the Blogosphere and the Twitterverse about poor little David Laws, a man who has plunged from hero to zero in the space of a few hours.
There's also a lot of bickering about the rights and wrongs of the whole shambles, dominated by the pink elephant in the room: "is it because he is a gayer?".
Of course it fucking isn't. An expenses trougher is an expenses trougher, regardless of which end he bowls from. See picture to the right for details.
This furore is absolutely bugger all (oops) to do with Laws' sexuality and everything to do - as always in the ol' expenses scandals - about a genuine deadly sin: Greed.
If 'Genius' Laws had not wanted anybody looking too closely at his 'private' life, wouldn't he have been much better off not asking us, the taxpayers, to fucking well fund it?
He's supposedly a very successful banker - could he have just worn the costs himself? Was his little 'secret' not worth that much? Or did he just think he'd never be rumbled?
Surely, if you ask us, the taxpayers, to pay for something, then we, the taxpayers, might well wonder what the fuck that something is?
Whereas if you don't ask us, the taxpayers, to pay for something, then it really is none of our, the taxpayers', fucking business?
And if you want your domestic arrangements - whatever they are - kept secret, for any reason then .. well .. duh!
Or am I missing something here?
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There's also a lot of bickering about the rights and wrongs of the whole shambles, dominated by the pink elephant in the room: "is it because he is a gayer?".
Of course it fucking isn't. An expenses trougher is an expenses trougher, regardless of which end he bowls from. See picture to the right for details.
This furore is absolutely bugger all (oops) to do with Laws' sexuality and everything to do - as always in the ol' expenses scandals - about a genuine deadly sin: Greed.
If 'Genius' Laws had not wanted anybody looking too closely at his 'private' life, wouldn't he have been much better off not asking us, the taxpayers, to fucking well fund it?
He's supposedly a very successful banker - could he have just worn the costs himself? Was his little 'secret' not worth that much? Or did he just think he'd never be rumbled?
Surely, if you ask us, the taxpayers, to pay for something, then we, the taxpayers, might well wonder what the fuck that something is?
Whereas if you don't ask us, the taxpayers, to pay for something, then it really is none of our, the taxpayers', fucking business?
And if you want your domestic arrangements - whatever they are - kept secret, for any reason then .. well .. duh!
Or am I missing something here?
The Hosts of Euro 2016? France !!!!
(Above: Arrogant French Cheating Cock!)
France have beaten Turkey and Italy for the right to stage the European Championship in 2016. France previously staged the tournament in 1960 and were hosts again in 1984, winning it with a team captained by Michel Platini, the Uefa president.
The French, hosts and winners of the 1998 World Cup, beat Turkey by just a single vote after Italy were eliminated in the first round of voting.
Well there's a fucking surprise!
And England held the World Cup in '66 and the Euros in '96.
The Arrogant French Cock (above) has chosen his Arrogant French Country to host the tournament ... but of course he isn't biaised in anyway shape or form.
Bollocks!
(Above: French Cheating Cock!)
Still, at least the Filthy Frogs won't have to fucking cheat their way to 2016 like they did to this year's World Cup!
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Pakistani Police
During the terrorist attacks on Pakistani Mosques yesterday in Lahore, inwhich scores of people were killed or wounded, I was shocked to see these two pictures of Pakistani police in action ...
Fair play to the policeman on the left for helping his wounded colleague ... but his weapons training and handling skills must be seriously questioned ... and as for the guy in white ... well, he certainly has some balls ... for now !
Then, seen in the second picture, is a suspect under arrest outside one of the mosques.
Er, is it me, or is that the most lenient and pathetic hold possible? the suspect even has a bottle in his hand, and the police are virtually smiling!
Over 70 people have just been massacred and these goons are smiling ?!
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Friday, 28 May 2010
Meet Our New Treasury Boss !
From Old Holborn
I give up
The tax payer has been financing his gay lover lobbyist.
Nope. It seems we really are going to need a revolution.
I give up
The tax payer has been financing his gay lover lobbyist.
Nope. It seems we really are going to need a revolution.
Old - But Still Amusing! Understanding Political Theories.
Just stumbled across this old little joke that made me chuckle so thought I would share for those that might not have seen it before -
Understanding Political Theories.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the US constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
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Understanding Political Theories.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the US constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."
Obviously we at TTB prefer the Surrealism Government Model
RAF Bloke Does His Bit (!) To Assist In Anti-Drug War
Well, seeing as I always like to assist in humanitarian needs, I have offered to assist to rehabilitate Miss Valencia and take her on as a trainee Butler.
Happy Days :-)
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Dunkirk 70th Anniversary
Image via WikipediaThe Devonport-based Type 23 frigate sailed to the northern French port alongside dozens of civilian vessels to commemorate Operation DYNAMO - the daring rescue of more than 300,000 allied troops in 1940.
Click here to read more.
On a personal note, my father, who as a teenager at the time, was part of the British Expeditionary Force and was badly injured by a German tank shell explosion whilst defending a bridge as part of the rearguard action to give the retreating British Army time to escape from Dunkirk.
Here's to you Dad.
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Pay per view? Don't think so...
From Constantly Furious
Well, well, here's a surprise. Just when we thought the BBC must have run out of ways to bore and infuriate us, they find another.
Apparently, the BBC have decided that they don't gouge enough money from black 'n' white telly-watching pensioners, or from fifty inch plasma-watching benefit claimants, to pay both Jonathan Ross and Chris Evans the tens of millions they so richly deserve.
No. They need more money to pour into those ever-open motor mouths. They want people looking at the Internet to cough up too. For fuck's sake.
So, they've decided that a TV licence (145 quid, please) is legally required if anyone watches TV programmes online at the same time as they are shown on television. What? Yes.
And if we're doing this at work - during the World Cup, for example - and the Dimbleby Tax hasn't been paid, the employer may be held liable and fined up to £1,000.
Oh BBC, do fuck off, would you?
But they won't: they're really keen to get their sweaty hands on this extra money. The authorities which govern TV licensing have said:
Yeah? On who's authority are you going to bust into our offices in the middle of the working day, eh? We've got a lot of confidential data on our systems, and we're not going to have some jumped up traffic warden scrolling up 'n' down looking at it.
We don't allow anyone unauthorised access to our computers, and that includes you, BBC 'officers'. So why don't you get in your little vans, and fuck off back to Shepherd's Bush, eh? Can't you see we're watching the footie?
Jon Shaw, TV Licensing spokesman, said:
Yeah? Here's a message for you, Mr Shaw:
Fuck. Right. Off.
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Well, well, here's a surprise. Just when we thought the BBC must have run out of ways to bore and infuriate us, they find another.
Apparently, the BBC have decided that they don't gouge enough money from black 'n' white telly-watching pensioners, or from fifty inch plasma-watching benefit claimants, to pay both Jonathan Ross and Chris Evans the tens of millions they so richly deserve.
No. They need more money to pour into those ever-open motor mouths. They want people looking at the Internet to cough up too. For fuck's sake.
So, they've decided that a TV licence (145 quid, please) is legally required if anyone watches TV programmes online at the same time as they are shown on television. What? Yes.
And if we're doing this at work - during the World Cup, for example - and the Dimbleby Tax hasn't been paid, the employer may be held liable and fined up to £1,000.
Oh BBC, do fuck off, would you?
But they won't: they're really keen to get their sweaty hands on this extra money. The authorities which govern TV licensing have said:
"..officers will be out patrolling during the World Cup, visiting business premises identified as unlicensed".
Yeah? On who's authority are you going to bust into our offices in the middle of the working day, eh? We've got a lot of confidential data on our systems, and we're not going to have some jumped up traffic warden scrolling up 'n' down looking at it.
We don't allow anyone unauthorised access to our computers, and that includes you, BBC 'officers'. So why don't you get in your little vans, and fuck off back to Shepherd's Bush, eh? Can't you see we're watching the footie?
Jon Shaw, TV Licensing spokesman, said:
“Some managers might assume if they don't have a TV in the building, they don't need to worry, but the rise of online TV means many more businesses need to be covered by a TV licence. We'd rather businesses think ahead and check if they need a licence than risk a court case and a fine.”
Yeah? Here's a message for you, Mr Shaw:
Fuck. Right. Off.
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
Mummy, Daddy, Children ... Are You Sitting Comfortably?
Then I'll begin
Parents
Your children, if aged 13 and under have only ever lived under a New Labour government. That means you have not had to take responsibility for their education, discipline, welfare, behaviour or aspirations. You have been taught to give them all they require and send the bill to the Government who promised to look after everything as long as you voted for them. Nike trainers, PS3's on demand, iPhones for under 10's, the lot. and if you couldn't afford it, Labour made sure that every credit shark in the business could lend you money you couldn't afford to repay.
If your partner legged it, so what, more tax credits. If little Timmy punched a teacher, so what, he'll get extra sweets from an ADHD diversity coordinator and if he burnt down the house, so what, Labour would give you another one. If he can't read and write, so what, he'll go on the Social and get a flat for his now pregnant girlfriend he met last night. No need to worry about the kids, that's what the state is for, ain't my fault, innit.
Well guess what? That's coming to an end. If you didn't bother to nurture your offspring, the State will no longer take responsibility for them. You will. Chardonnay is not going to get a council house because she dropped them as soon as she could to the first passing asylum seeker with no forwarding address. She and her halfling are going to be living in your spare room, smoking your fags and wolfing down your pot noodles.
Little Connor (who is an angel, says his Nan) is not going to get one on one tuition in an effort to stop him hitting the teachers. He's going to be smashing up YOUR front room instead of a classroom. Oh, and he's not going for two weeks camping with the council diversity coordinator where he can run riot and you get a fortnights heavy drinking in. He's staying with you. Ripping up your stuff to show how creative he is. And the army of hairy lippedsandalistas you normally rang and demanded "sort 'im aht, he's doin' my 'ead in" aren't going to be there anymore.
In short, the buck now stops with you. Not me, the taxpayer. Enjoy the fruits of your loins. Every horrifying minute stuck with what you allowed Labour to create in your name. Put down the remote and teach your child to read. Sit at a dinner table and eat with your child. Meals YOU have cooked. Teach him the value of food, conversation, family, money, hard work, ambition, aspiration and dreams. Show him knowledge. Teach him manners. Teach him the consequences of his decisions. Teach him respect.
Because no matter what they promised, Labour certainly didn't and now you are going to have to pick up the pieces. I wish you luck, you're going to need it.
Children
Your world is about to change dramatically. In order to survive, you are going to have to do things you have never done before. You are going to have to acquire skills that will enable you to live in a world where there are no free hand outs and no one is being paid to put up with your abuse anymore. Trust me, they aren't going to do it for free either.
If you decide that school is a pain, family is shit, money is everything and having a laugh whilst someone else pays and deals with the mess, then you are in for a shock. It isn't your fault but it IS up to you to sort it out. And you can. You have a unique opportunity to crawl out of the pond that so many of today's neets are mindlessly swimming in and you'd better make sure you're in the first wave who do, because sure as eggs, the ladder will be pulled up.
Study. Read a book. Gain knowledge that others do not have, it will make you valuable. It will mean you do not have to live with your mum, her numerous boyfriends and Chardonnays screaming brat "doing your head in". It will give you independence to live your life as you wish, not as a Politician wished you to live it. It will give you freedom.
One thing is for sure, if you want what Labour promised, an easy idle life with no responsibility, then you are going to have to finance it yourself.
As Liam Byrne said "There's no money left". And he wasn't joking.
If your partner legged it, so what, more tax credits. If little Timmy punched a teacher, so what, he'll get extra sweets from an ADHD diversity coordinator and if he burnt down the house, so what, Labour would give you another one. If he can't read and write, so what, he'll go on the Social and get a flat for his now pregnant girlfriend he met last night. No need to worry about the kids, that's what the state is for, ain't my fault, innit.
Well guess what? That's coming to an end. If you didn't bother to nurture your offspring, the State will no longer take responsibility for them. You will. Chardonnay is not going to get a council house because she dropped them as soon as she could to the first passing asylum seeker with no forwarding address. She and her halfling are going to be living in your spare room, smoking your fags and wolfing down your pot noodles.
Little Connor (who is an angel, says his Nan) is not going to get one on one tuition in an effort to stop him hitting the teachers. He's going to be smashing up YOUR front room instead of a classroom. Oh, and he's not going for two weeks camping with the council diversity coordinator where he can run riot and you get a fortnights heavy drinking in. He's staying with you. Ripping up your stuff to show how creative he is. And the army of hairy lippedsandalistas you normally rang and demanded "sort 'im aht, he's doin' my 'ead in" aren't going to be there anymore.
In short, the buck now stops with you. Not me, the taxpayer. Enjoy the fruits of your loins. Every horrifying minute stuck with what you allowed Labour to create in your name. Put down the remote and teach your child to read. Sit at a dinner table and eat with your child. Meals YOU have cooked. Teach him the value of food, conversation, family, money, hard work, ambition, aspiration and dreams. Show him knowledge. Teach him manners. Teach him the consequences of his decisions. Teach him respect.
Because no matter what they promised, Labour certainly didn't and now you are going to have to pick up the pieces. I wish you luck, you're going to need it.
Children
Your world is about to change dramatically. In order to survive, you are going to have to do things you have never done before. You are going to have to acquire skills that will enable you to live in a world where there are no free hand outs and no one is being paid to put up with your abuse anymore. Trust me, they aren't going to do it for free either.
If you decide that school is a pain, family is shit, money is everything and having a laugh whilst someone else pays and deals with the mess, then you are in for a shock. It isn't your fault but it IS up to you to sort it out. And you can. You have a unique opportunity to crawl out of the pond that so many of today's neets are mindlessly swimming in and you'd better make sure you're in the first wave who do, because sure as eggs, the ladder will be pulled up.
Study. Read a book. Gain knowledge that others do not have, it will make you valuable. It will mean you do not have to live with your mum, her numerous boyfriends and Chardonnays screaming brat "doing your head in". It will give you independence to live your life as you wish, not as a Politician wished you to live it. It will give you freedom.
One thing is for sure, if you want what Labour promised, an easy idle life with no responsibility, then you are going to have to finance it yourself.
As Liam Byrne said "There's no money left". And he wasn't joking.
By Old Holborn
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Monday, 24 May 2010
England World Cup Songs: ‘Grab A Stella, Nelson Mandela’ By England United Featuring Spike
From 'Who Ate All The Pies'
LISTEN TO THE SONG HERE
Shambolic - yes. But also the best unofficial England World cup song I've heard yet, if only for the rhyming 'Stella' with 'Mandela' - suck on that Baddiel & Skinner !The rest of the lyrics are spot-on too - 'Ashley Cole in his underpants', sung with appropriate disdain. Love it!
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International Council of Man Laws
Image via Wikipedia1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:
(a) when a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b)The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, (excepting current or ex-mother-in-laws) you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and only if it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever! Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
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Premier Managers End of Term Report Cards
Found this in the Daily Mail Online, which made me giggle:
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1280089/THAT-WAS-THE-SPORTING-WEEK-Just-Premier-Leagues-bosses-fared-end-term-report-cards.html?ITO=1490#ixzz0opmu7xX3
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Sporting Week's end of term report on the Premier League managers highlights certain key areas which the group need to tackle over the summer.
The domestic season is over and now those bosses have to watch their players slog it out for another month at the World Cup while trying to get new ones in.
In the meantime, here's how they rated on their SW report cards...
Alex Ferguson
May soon have to accept that it is someone else's turn to be head boy. His timekeeping was as erratic as ever, although he is getting on much better in the French depratment than previously.
Arsene Wenger
Arsene continues to be a dreamer who believes in the metaphysical search for poetic perfection. Unfortunately this again meant he fell short in all the important examinations when a degree of pragmatism was required.
Carlo Ancelotti
Despite his wealthy back-
ground, Carlo still needed to show diplomacy and expertise in leading an unruly and somewhat unpleasant group during team-building exercises. That he managed it so soon after arriving speaks volumes for the boy.
ground, Carlo still needed to show diplomacy and expertise in leading an unruly and somewhat unpleasant group during team-building exercises. That he managed it so soon after arriving speaks volumes for the boy.
Harold Redknapp
Harold spent heavily at the school tuck shop and has finally gained the widespread respect of his peers as a result.
Having said that, questions remain about where he actually got so much pocket money from in the first place.
Having said that, questions remain about where he actually got so much pocket money from in the first place.
Roberto Mancini
A warm character, mainly thanks to his ever-
present muffler, Roberto has fitted in well despite coming to the school in mid-term. Not afraid to defend his territory in front of the disruptive Scottish element in the class - but not at the expense of his immaculate hair-do, obviously.
present muffler, Roberto has fitted in well despite coming to the school in mid-term. Not afraid to defend his territory in front of the disruptive Scottish element in the class - but not at the expense of his immaculate hair-do, obviously.
Martin O'Neill
It was very difficult to decipher exactly what Martin meant during some of his more impassioned debates but he has the right principles at heart.
Rafael Benitez
Rumours that he was about to abruptly end his difficult stint as an exchange student - many of them seemingly started by Rafael himself - did not make this an easy year for the highly-strung Spaniard. He had the chance to build on last term's encouraging progress but was held back by all-too-obvious conflict issues with figures of authority. Must do better next time - if he is still here.
Anthony Pulis
His refusal to take his cap off caused friction with officials during assembly and a willingness to brawl with larger boys has left him in some awkward positions in the showers after games. Otherwise, starting to look at home in this environment.
Avram Grant
The contro-
versy when he was found in an unsavoury part of town while wearing his school uniform did not help Avram - neither did a shortfall in his school fee payments halfway through the academic year. As a result Avram and his group will be held back a year for their own good.
versy when he was found in an unsavoury part of town while wearing his school uniform did not help Avram - neither did a shortfall in his school fee payments halfway through the academic year. As a result Avram and his group will be held back a year for their own good.
STAR PUPIL...ROY HODGSON
Roy certainly gained more than any other boy from our exciting field trips to remote parts of Europe.
Where some moaned about the travelling arrangements, Roy simply
Where some moaned about the travelling arrangements, Roy simply
got on with it and tried to take the most from each experience.
He wins the special Harrods hamper which is awarded to the most mature student.
He wins the special Harrods hamper which is awarded to the most mature student.
Brian Laws
Brian was very much caught in the backdraft of Owen Coyle's petulant and disruptive decision to jump ship to a supposedly posher neighbouring school, apparently because he 'preferred the canteen food and the view from the playing fields'. Brian was left with very little time to make an impact on the class, although his detractors may suggest this was a good thing.
Owen Coyle
Owen is becoming a thoughtless and bull-headed boy who would be well advised to make sure he does not loiter behind the bike sheds after hours, as he has made many enemies with his 'self, self, self' attitude.
Samuel Allardyce
Samuel has bounced back well after a traumatic period at a much bigger school in a rough area where he was picked on mercilessly and eventually harried out of town. Seems much happier in an environment near to where he first made a bright impression.
Alex McCleish
A quiet achiever who gets on with his work and leaves the histrionics to more self-centred individuals. Well done Alexander, a very satisfactory year.
David Moyes
David seemed to be asleep for the first two terms before finally showing us what we know he is capable of. In danger of treading water if he does the same again next time.
Roberto Martinez
Had the chance to influence the exciting end of year drama production when offered a starring role but then let everyone down by inexplicably failing to turn up.
Iain Dowie
Only turned up at the end of the final term and immediately disappointed at the annual charity beauty contest organised by sixth form pupils which his predecessor won last year thanks to a dazzling smile, a great voice and an alarming tan.
Steven Bruce
Steven is a very brave young man, as a history of standing up to his old manager's hairdryer treatment and chasing potential car thieves away from his home illustrates. So it was no wonder that he thrived in the north-east.
Mick McCarthy
Proved his detractors wrong by mana-
ging to stay in the top set, - no doubt motivated by the desire to avoid that nasty boy Roy Keane from further down the school for as long as possible.
ging to stay in the top set, - no doubt motivated by the desire to avoid that nasty boy Roy Keane from further down the school for as long as possible.
OFF TO A NEW SCHOOL: GIANFRANCO ZOLA
Rounded off a traumatic few months by winning the sack race on sports day. Good luck for the future Gianfranco.
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1280089/THAT-WAS-THE-SPORTING-WEEK-Just-Premier-Leagues-bosses-fared-end-term-report-cards.html?ITO=1490#ixzz0opmu7xX3
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