Talking Total Bollocks: 01/06/2010

Monday 14 June 2010

World Cup 2010 Ultimate Guide

From Four Four Two

We guarantee this won't be the most beautiful FourFourTwo.com page you ever look at, but it could be the most helpful. Here, ladies and gentlemen, are the keys that unlock the best World Cup news, analysis and interviews on the planet.
For each and every one of the 32 competing nations, we're gathering Breaking News from all over the world. We've also got FourFourTwo's renowned Team Guides with analysis of the strengths, weaknesses, coach, players to watch and tactics of every team, plus profiles of all 23 players in every squad, and 32 exclusive interviews – one for each team.
What are you waiting for? Get clicking...

Sunday 13 June 2010

Vorsprung durch Technik

OMFG !!! I'm watching the German annihilation of Australia.
They look bloody awesome!
We're doomed !!!

World Cup FanPic - France

COCK !!!

World Cup FanPic - South Africa

OMFG !!! Commendable but on reflection this South African perhaps should have iether taken a bit more care with his homemade 'head dress' or checked it out in the mirror prior to going to the match!

Dick'ead ! :)

Green Fingers

Hmm ... I never saw that coming! Mind you, I don't think Robert Green did either!
May I say that as of now I stand behind Rob Green completely and utterly.
Steven Gerrard said the same last night.
With Gerrard and myself literally standing behind him, we can stop his errors counting against us!
We're doomed!

Wednesday 9 June 2010

Asian Gangs Grooming OUR Kids

Check out this post from notareargunner on his Blog (one of TTB's new readers).

He raises some very scary points about the grooming of young kids by Asian gangs in the UK ... a subject NotSoDumbBlonde and myself were only talking about yesterday.

As a father of an 8 year old daughter ... I would happily kill anyone who even looked at my daughter the wrong way ... so the question is why in hell aren't the authorities doing more to eliminate - literally - this problem?

Full post here

UPDATE ... Also read this news item from NotSoDumbBlonde from the Keighley News

Tuesday 8 June 2010

Oh Yeah !!

'Who Ate All The Pies' (no not you AB!) have a rather delectible source of World Cup eye candy on their website from all the participating nations!

Loadsa potential Butlers there methinks !!

Click here to enjoy :)

ARTHUR IS MISSING !!!!

FLASH MESSAGE

FLASH FLASH FLASH

081240ZJUN10
TO ALL TTB UNITS
FM RAFB
SUBJ ARTHUR
MSG ARTHUR MISSING FROM CELL STOP. LAST SEEN AT LIGHTS OUT 072100ZJUN10 STOP. PRISONER TO BE CLASSED AS EXTREMELY STUPID AND ANNOYING STOP. CONDUCT IMMEDIATE WIDE AREA SEARCH WITH 100 NM RADIUS OF TTB HQ STOP. APPROACH WITH CAUTION AND ARREST WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE IF FOUND STOP. PRISONER POSSIBLY HAS ACCOMPLICES FROM BBC SPECIAL OPS TEAM STOP. CONSIDER BBC SPEC OPS TEAM ARMED AND DANGEROUS STOP. REPORT ALL SIGHTINGS TO TTB HQ IMMEDIATELY STOP.
MSG ENDS.

Monday 7 June 2010

WELCOME NEW FOLLOWER TYPE THINGY WHOEVER

Ha, new person. Welcome.

From us at Talking Total Bollocks shed, glad to have you aboard and look forward to your insight, wit and humour.

I hope you enjoy our posts and comments and leave the Blog totally and utterly mentally fucked up like the rest of us.

Just one question, if your not a rear gunner, do you prefer it face to face rather than from behind? If you do RAFB might know someone you like...........

P.S. Digestive biscuits go soft if they are left out of the packet for too long

Whining Tossers !

I'm watching the Platinum Stars vs England World Cup friendly match on Sky (God it's boring ... but it's either that or decorating!)

Apart from the fact that England look total bollocks, I'm getting annoyed as fuck about commentators and players whinging like the spoilt, overpaid, pampered pri-madonnas that they are, about boredom, and missing their families to represent their country etc etc etc

Oh and then there's the article today about the Ginger Ninja Paul Scholes, who apparantly wasn't given enough time to decide if representing England was worth it!

For fucks sake ... they get paid an absolute shockingly astrofuckingnomical wage, get treated like Gods, and are away for (hopefully) one month max in the absolute lap of luxury with virtually everything they could ever want ! (except WAGS)

Now compare these whining tossers to the lads and lasses currently representing our country in Afghanistan for six months at a time in Forward Bases, Patrol Bases or even Camp Bastion & Kandahar AB ... !

(Pics Below ... Go Fucking Compare !)

Yeah ... exactly !

Lampard Blows The Special One !

Shocking !!!

Proof That Ronaldo Is A Cocksucker !!

I'm a bit worried about Roon's reaction though ... !!

Giggs Takes One From The Boss

OMFG !
This is no doubt a variation on the infamous 'hairdryer treatment!'
Probably a common thing with all ManUre fans as well !

Where was Nicky Butt when all this was happening ?!

Shag, Marry or Kill !

One of the best games ever ... that has entertained members of HM Forces for years and years whilst stuck on various campaigns around the world, or has just relieved incredible boredom whilst awaiting the nearest bar to open elsewhere.

It's simple ... (it has to be ... the RAF Police play it as well!) ... you name three people (preferably that everyone knows) that you would
a) Shag
b) Marry
c) Kill
Comprez?

So ... join in with the comments section with round 1 ...

Oh great, England’s first World Cup ref is “a bastard”

From The Spoiler
Oi oi! Here comes trouble…

Fans of The Apprentice will know the deal - the primary goal is to win, but before that, you need to find a fall guy just in case. A hapless cretin, a weak link, preferably a man/woman with a growing reputation for being a total ninny.
So, to use some popular village hall vernacular - bingo! England have already located their potential scapegoat, in the form of the Brazilian referee Carlos Eugenio Simon, who will be taking charge of their opening match against America’s second favourite variety of footballers come the weekend. (more…)

Marines use new Sharpshooter rifle in Afghanistan

Taken from BBC News

Royal Marines in Afghanistan have begun using a new long-range rifle in their fight against the Taliban.

Members of 40 Commando have deployed the Sharpshooter on the front line in Helmand province for about a fortnight now, the Ministry of Defence said.

The semi-automatic weapon - the first new infantry combat rifle in more than 20 years - is more accurate over long distances with higher calibre rounds.

More than 400 were bought in January as a £1.5m urgent operational requirement.

'It's hoofing'

The Sharpshooter will be used alongside the Army's standard issue SA80 A2 assault rifle, and each weapon shared amongst three or four soldiers.

Sgt Baz Evans of 40 Commando said: "I have fired over 1,000 rounds on the rifle in training; accurately hitting targets over 800m (2,625ft) away.

"The new Sharpshooter rifle provides quick and accurate fire, with the flexibility of using it in the assault rifle role as well. It's hoofing."

Members of 40 Commando have begun using the Sharpshooter rifle in battles with the Taliban in dangerous Sangin in Helmand province.

The new semi-automatic weapon fires a 7.62mm round, larger than the SA80's 5.56mm bullet.

Col Peter Warden, from Defence, Equipment and Support, said: "It is a versatile weapon which will give our units a new dimension to their armoury."

(TTB Comment ... I suspect our very own Marine Boy will have something to say about the colour of the beret used in this BBC picture that doesn't exactly go with the title !

One of Marine Boy's favourite quotes ... "God was a Para ... which is why he failed the Commando Course!" (there's plenty more where this came from lol)

It's Only Going To Hurt If ...

Taken from Old Holborn's Brilliant Post
Read the full version here

viscious child cruelty, 50 years ago

Cameron is preparing the ground for a massive cut in public services and hopefully a reduction in our bloated state in order to reduce the deficit that 13 years of a psychotic Labour gave us. Bring it on I say. It will affect every man, woman and child he says, perhaps for decades. No it won't. Not me.

You will only "suffer" if:

You cannot play a game of football without astroturf or floodlights, courtesy of the Council and a £3m pitch to keep da Yoof happy. In every town and village up and down the land.

You really liked having an Olympic pool in your town, even though you never used it.

You need everything translated into Somali

You have decided Poles are the right people to pick carrots whilst you are the right person to sit on the sofa all day claiming benefits

You are so incapable as a parent, you need an army of hairy lipped sandalistas to do the job for you.

You are incapable of taking responsibility for your own behaviour and actions

You demand your child has one on one tuition at my cost because it's easier than teaching him not to stab anyone at school

You bought things to impress other people and can't make the payments

You got your job because you are unemployable in the private sector

Your lifestyle "choices" make you unemployable

You believe that astral gems and aromatherapy are really needed in remote Welsh villages

You are fat and demand I buy you a mobility scooter instead of hitting the salads

You think it is your right to be treated equally even though you are a convicted thief

You think it is the States job to feed you, house you and clothe you

You are a Communist and expect everything for nothing, like in the 70's.

You are Welsh or Scottish and used to living on handouts whilst drunkenly shouting abuse at the English, the ones paying for it all.

Read the full version here

Sunday 6 June 2010

TOP NEWS - RAF SACKED, ROYAL ARTILLERY ASSUMES ROLE

A revolutionary missile that can stalk a target until the perfect moment to strike is being developed by the Ministry of Defence for use against the Taliban in Afghanistan.

The so-called lurker bomb will also be able to shadow British troops for up to ten hours or 100 miles, ready to take out enemy targets with surgical precision at a minute’s notice.

The 12ft weapon – officially named Fire Shadow and made in Britain by leading missile manufacturer MBDA – will be operated by the Royal Artillery.

Enlarge

It made its first test flight in Wales earlier this year and is expected to be operational by 2010.

One of the biggest problems facing British troops in Afghanistan is Taliban ambushes. The insurgents often escape before a counter-attack can be launched because they know the Afghan terrain well, it takes time for air support to arrive, and the British are reluctant to use existing powerful missiles for fear of causing collateral damage such as killing civilians or flattening homes.

Fire Shadow’s ability to ‘stooge’ above the troops means it can be guided to a target within seconds. And its deadly precision requires only a small warhead of 50lb, compared with the RAF’s smallest bomb of 500lb.

The Army wants to be able to fire salvos of Fire Shadows, having several in the air at once to hit multiple targets. The missiles, also known as ‘loitering munitions’, are expected to replace some RAF patrols.

Fire Shadow can be guided to its target by troops on the ground with lasers, by operators in aircraft or helicopters, or by the Army’s new Watchkeeper surveillance drone.

lurker

Lurker bomb: The 12ft Fire Shadow missile can be launched up to 100 miles away from its target

Once airborne, however, Fire Shadow is unable to return to base. If it is not used in action, it is brought down in a controlled crash after it runs out of fuel.

Akram Ghulam, head of loitering munitions at MBDA in Stevenage, Hertfordshire, said: ‘I can see these being used where small, surgically precise effects will have greater utility than an artillery shell or a bomb.’

MBDA leads the Fire Shadow development team, which cost the MoD £74million in its first year. It includes British firms Qinetiq, Thales and Roxcel, and several smaller and academic organisations.

The concept of a lurker bomb is the cornerstone of the MoD’s Indirect-Fire Precision Attack project. Fire Shadow is one of six projects that include an artillery shell that can electronically ‘sense’ its target, a new anti-aircraft missile for the Royal Navy, and advanced guidance for the new Guided Multiple Launch Rocket System (GMLRS).

The first GMLRS batteries have already been in action in Afghanistan’s Helmand area where British troops are operating. Nicknamed the 70km sniper – the rocket’s maximum range – about 250 precision-guided rockets have been fired so far this year, according to an MoD spokesman. At £60,000 a rocket that works out at £15million, a cost that the MoD is well aware of as it seeks to develop Fire Shadow.

‘We need to get Fire Shadow’s price to around that, which is a big challenge,’ said an industry source.

Arthur - Calling For Help

It appears our concerns about the Odour Challenged Tramp were warranted ...

Marine Boy & RMP Bloke have just informed Artillery Bloke and myself that Arthur DID actually have a transmitter after all, and despite his well known ineptitude with anything technical, it appears that he may have actually sent a message of help to his best friend ! (well, 'acquaintance' would be more accurate ... as in he has some dodgy pictures of the bloke and is using bribery and extortion to get rescued!)

We thought we'd confiscated everything and blown up the obvious cavity with which he normally communicates, as no-one can understand a fucking thing that comes out of his mouth!

It appears we were mistaken!

Worryingly though, we believe that the senile old tosser's message actually may have reached his intended recipient ... and as a consequence, as soon as I have finished inaugurating the latest Butler intake, and Artillery gets back from the Puppy Convention, we will be increasing security around the doddering old git to ensure he can't escape - or be rescued.

Unfortunately, a civil rights 'rapist from Yorkshire has subpoenaed RMP Bloke for a recording of the transmission under the Freedom Of Information Act.

Bloody Do-Gooders !

D-Day June 6th 1944

D-day assault Map of the Normandy region and t...

Image via Wikipedia

On this very day in 1944, Allied Forces, spearheaded by Airborne Pathfinders, stormed the beaches of Normandy, France as Operation Overlord began, to begin the Liberation of Nazi-Occupied Europe.

My father was part of this Offensive, with the British 1st Armoured Division.

This campaign brought about the final destruction of Nazi-Germany and is the very reason we are able to enjoy the freedoms we enjoy - and that many abuse - today.

To all those that lost their lives on the beaches and during the breakout - we owe you so much.

We Will Remember Them.

Muslim Suicide Bombers

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,

"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his allotment in Blackburn in Lancashire in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Bolton, Birmingham, Luton, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.

Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

Saturday 5 June 2010

OMFG !! Here we go again !!

But ... Artillery Bloke possibly had this story first ... and yes ... you heard it here first

Now the online footy mag 'Off The Post' seem to have possibly the same story ...

Tabloid reportedly ready to go to town on World Cup star

Apologies for the cryptic nature of this post, but I don’t fancy going head-to-head with the very best lawyer a well-paid footballer can buy.

Any of you who indulge even occasionally in football tittle-tattle will probably have heard the tale of the married, reportedly hotel-dwelling Premier League star who allegedly got a schoolgirl pregnant.

Through a combination of super-injunctions and the newspaper biding its time to maximise impact, the story has not yet surfaced despite being an often repeated piece of gossip in footballing circles. This had led OTP to question whether it was, in fact, a load of rubbish.

But we have been tipped that the story will finally go to press this Sunday (last minute injunctions permitting).

Emile Donkey

Emile ~~Hes~~Donkey has once again proved his sheer lack of ability, and managed to cripple the now ex-England Captain Rio Ferdinand on the very first day of training in South Africa! (not that Ferdinand is that much of a loss ... but!).

Nice one ~~Hes~~Donkey ... you fucking muppet !!!

And he has Ivanhoe as a middle name ?! It should be Judas !!

~~Hes~~Donkey should be banished to his room - or better still sent back home - and be forced to watch 'Drop The Dead Donkey' (take the hint Fabio!) whilst playing Donkey Kong on his Nintendo !

We're Doomed !!!!

Talking Total Bollocks

ARTHUR'S TALKING TOTAL BOLLOCKS INTRO

Monday 14 June 2010

World Cup 2010 Ultimate Guide

Sunday 13 June 2010

Vorsprung durch Technik

World Cup FanPic - France

World Cup FanPic - South Africa

Green Fingers

Wednesday 9 June 2010

Asian Gangs Grooming OUR Kids

Tuesday 8 June 2010

Oh Yeah !!

ARTHUR IS MISSING !!!!

Monday 7 June 2010

WELCOME NEW FOLLOWER TYPE THINGY WHOEVER

Whining Tossers !

Lampard Blows The Special One !

Proof That Ronaldo Is A Cocksucker !!

Giggs Takes One From The Boss

Shag, Marry or Kill !

Oh great, England’s first World Cup ref is “a bastard”

Marines use new Sharpshooter rifle in Afghanistan

It's Only Going To Hurt If ...

Sunday 6 June 2010

TOP NEWS - RAF SACKED, ROYAL ARTILLERY ASSUMES ROLE

Arthur - Calling For Help

D-Day June 6th 1944

Muslim Suicide Bombers

Saturday 5 June 2010

OMFG !! Here we go again !!

Emile Donkey

Authors with Big Bollocks

TTB Recommended Links

Pages of Bollocks

Follow Our Bollocks

ARTHUR'S TALKING TOTAL BOLLOCKS INTRO

Monday 14 June 2010

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