Green Fingers

Hmm ... I never saw that coming! Mind you, I don't think Robert Green did either!
May I say that as of now I stand behind Rob Green completely and utterly.
Steven Gerrard said the same last night.
With Gerrard and myself literally standing behind him, we can stop his errors counting against us!
We're doomed!

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Whining Tossers !

I'm watching the Platinum Stars vs England World Cup friendly match on Sky (God it's boring ... but it's either that or decorating!)


Apart from the fact that England look total bollocks, I'm getting annoyed as fuck about commentators and players whinging like the spoilt, overpaid, pampered pri-madonnas that they are, about boredom, and missing their families to represent their country etc etc etc


Oh and then there's the article today about the Ginger Ninja Paul Scholes, who apparantly wasn't given enough time to decide if representing England was worth it!


For fucks sake ... they get paid an absolute shockingly astrofuckingnomical wage, get treated like Gods, and are away for (hopefully) one month max in the absolute lap of luxury with virtually everything they could ever want ! (except WAGS)


Now compare these whining tossers to the lads and lasses currently representing our country in Afghanistan for six months at a time in Forward Bases, Patrol Bases or even Camp Bastion & Kandahar AB ... !

(Pics Below ... Go Fucking Compare !)

Yeah ... exactly !

Oh great, England’s first World Cup ref is “a bastard”

From The Spoiler
Oi oi! Here comes trouble…

Fans of The Apprentice will know the deal - the primary goal is to win, but before that, you need to find a fall guy just in case. A hapless cretin, a weak link, preferably a man/woman with a growing reputation for being a total ninny.
So, to use some popular village hall vernacular - bingo! England have already located their potential scapegoat, in the form of the Brazilian referee Carlos Eugenio Simon, who will be taking charge of their opening match against America’s second favourite variety of footballers come the weekend. (more…)

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OMFG !! Here we go again !!

But ... Artillery Bloke possibly had this story first ... and yes ... you heard it here first 


Now the online footy mag 'Off The Post' seem to have possibly the same story ...

Tabloid reportedly ready to go to town on World Cup star

Apologies for the cryptic nature of this post, but I don’t fancy going head-to-head with the very best lawyer a well-paid footballer can buy.

Any of you who indulge even occasionally in football tittle-tattle will probably have heard the tale of the married, reportedly hotel-dwelling Premier League star who allegedly got a schoolgirl pregnant.

Through a combination of super-injunctions and the newspaper biding its time to maximise impact, the story has not yet surfaced despite being an often repeated piece of gossip in footballing circles. This had led OTP to question whether it was, in fact, a load of rubbish.

But we have been tipped that the story will finally go to press this Sunday (last minute injunctions permitting).

Emile Donkey

Emile HesDonkey has once again proved his sheer lack of ability, and managed to cripple the now ex-England Captain Rio Ferdinand on the very first day of training in South Africa! (not that Ferdinand is that much of a loss ... but!). 


Nice one HesDonkey ... you fucking muppet !!!


And he has Ivanhoe as a middle name ?! It should be Judas !!


HesDonkey should be banished to his room - or better still sent back home - and be forced to watch  'Drop The Dead Donkey' (take the hint Fabio!) whilst playing Donkey Kong on his Nintendo !


We're Doomed !!!!

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EN-GER-LUND "THE RETURN OF THE CENTRE - HALF"

Has the England manager seen sense? Or has Heskey realised that he can actually tackle someone????

Anyway, what is he going to do for the next month? Well, til the end of the group stages then he will have to watch cricket like the rest of us.

No, I, that is me, Artillery Bloke has been undercover! I have discovered that Rio is in Brazil.

Yes, Brazil.

And he is having a bit of a party to celebrate. He is calling it a Carnival and I have the following, exclusive picture of Rio in his best going out clobber.......

We're Doomed!

After carefull consideration, I have come to this conclusion about our chances of lifting the World cup this year: Sweet F.A.! 


Sorry ... but that's what I think after including such donkeys as Heskey, Crouch & Carrick in particular !


On a lighter note, I did hear that on the flight over to South Africa, the pri-madonnas & donkeys were to be treated to football themed films and entertainment ... I bet John Terry couldn't wait to get into 'Gregory's Girl' !!


Anyway ... please salute England's Pri-Madonna Donkey Squad:


With a squad like that – Warnock! Heskey! Carrick! SWP! – how can England fail?
In the quarter-finals again, on penalties, that’s how.

Goalkeepers (top row from left): Donkey James, Robert Green, Joe Hart
Defenders (second row from left): Donkey Warnock, Pri-Madonna Cole, Pri-Madonna Terry, Jaime Carragher, Glen Johnson, Donkey Ferdinand, Ledley King, Matthew Upson
Midfielders (third row from left): Gareth Barry, Joe Cole, Aaron Lennon, Pri-Madonna Lampard, Donkey Wright-Phillips, Pri-Madonna Gerrard, Donkeyl Carrick, James Milner
Forwards (bottom row from left): Jermain Defoe, Donkey Heskey, Pri-Madonna Rooney, Donkey Crouch

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Shock! Capello Unveils Squad of Mutant Rooneys!

From The Daily Mash

FABIO Capello has dropped 29 players from his provisional World Cup squad in favour of a side comprised entirely of mutant Wayne Rooneys.

The one with the head growing out of its ear tried to eat its own foot

The England Coach is hoping that untested cloning technology can propel his side to victory after the final friendly, which moved 'unnamed Japanese defender' to the top of England's goal scoring table.

Capello said: "Some of the mutants have come out a bit wonky and one of them keeps biting the heads off of physios.

"In fairness, that could well be the original Wayne, but nobody's been able to get close enough to check him for a belly button."

The new-look England will line up in a 0-0-10 formation, with the Rooneys slowly advancing in a straight line. The eleventh Rooney, an early attempt described as looking like a sixteen stone erection with a furious expression on what can loosely be called its face, will play in goal.

Capello said fears over exhaustion due to the increased altitude in South Africa will therefore be avoided when the opposing players run out of the stadium in unbridled terror after 30 seconds.

He added:"We have had trouble getting some of the Rooneys to push the ball into the net, especially Rooney14, who has just the one eye in his rectum, but we're asking FIFA if we can toss a lump of raw meat behind the goal to guide them in."

England's scientists have also engineered a bucket full of metatarsals and hamstrings to help maintain the squad, although the main fear is that a Rooney could get loose and wreak havoc in the delicate South African ecosystem.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "You really don't want to see what three Rooneys can do to a herd of wildebeest or an old folk's home.

"And if one of them crossbreeds with a hippo, it would probably be an improvement."

England World Cup Songs: ‘Grab A Stella, Nelson Mandela’ By England United Featuring Spike

From 'Who Ate All The Pies'

LISTEN TO THE SONG HERE

Shambolic - yes. But also the best unofficial England World cup song I've heard yet, if only for the rhyming 'Stella' with 'Mandela' - suck on that Baddiel & Skinner !
The rest of the lyrics are spot-on too - 'Ashley Cole in his underpants', sung with appropriate disdain. Love it!

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Come On England !

Superb !



If this doesn't make you proud - nothing will !

Enough said !

David 'Calamity' James

Image via Wikipedia

Just what the fuck is it with recent England goalkeepers ?!?!

Firstly - there was this buffoon, David Seaman






Just look at that bloody ponytail !! He should be ashamed and embarrassed !
Mind you - he is from Yorkshire ... enough said !

But - at least he was - at times - a capable(ish) keeper

Now though - we end up with this buffoon !!

David James !

The best keeper on the England team books ?! My arse!

The guy is a complete useless freak !

And taking his complete inabillity to do anything useful, or provide a tangible defence in between the sticks ... just check out his bloody hair !!!

He'll have opposition teams wetting themselves laughing !

David James hair styles are legendary - and for all the wrong bloody reasons !!

Check these out !

(this is the only fucking 'ball' he'll catch!)


And then - just when you thought you'd seen it all ...
Nice shirt !! NOT !

So to summarise ?

He'll probably make a complete balls-up of England's remote chances of winning the World Cup and is consequently a COCK !!!

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The 2010 World Cup

Now that the minor issue of the English football season has all but finished, and ManUre fans have started their conspiracy claims, we can turn our attention to the blue ribboned event in the footballing calendar ... The 2010 World Cup.



Will England triumph? Will we be embarrassed ... again? 


Who will lift the infamous Jules Rimet Trophy?

(yeah I know ... 1966 and all that!)


I must add a note of caution though ... for those of you that don't know ... Jules Rimet was in fact French ! 

(Probably was a nice bloke - but was French - therefore a Cock)


I suspect this was a masterplan which Michel Platini had conjured up whilst in the womb to ensure French dominance in the beautiful game. 

(French Arrogant Cock)


Thankfully his dastardly plan hasn't worked properly - with the minor exception of the 1998 nightmare - which was an disgrace and embarrassment to all things glorious and decent and shall never ever be spoken of here again.


But the threat of the cheating French Cocks must be closely scrutinised, as well as any attempts to bribe or coerce the match officials by Platini or that other idiot Sepp Blatter (who is German) and thus present a dual clear and present threat to English chances of success.
 
(German Cock)


Talking of threats to us winning ... 

(God)


Mr Capello  (who will now be temporarily referred to as God) names his initial 30-man squad tomorrow.


It is here that I offer A Prayer ... 


Please God - in the name of all things holy and righteous ...


DO NOT INCLUDE THAT BUMBLING BUFFOON Emile Heskey - who has the impertinent sacrilegious cheek to have 'Ivanhoe' as a middle name - in your squad and is as much use as a chocolate fire guard!

(Bumbling Buffoon)


Also - think seriously about including that other buffoon Peter Crouch as he may nick a few goals but is seriously cack, er, I mean rubbish, most of the time!

(Peter Crouch)


(A Flamingo)


Thank you God. ... er, I mean, Amen.


.