Lampard Blows The Special One !

Shocking !!!

Proof That Ronaldo Is A Cocksucker !!

I'm a bit worried about Roon's reaction though ... !!

Giggs Takes One From The Boss

OMFG ! 
This is no doubt a variation on the infamous 'hairdryer treatment!'
Probably a common thing with all ManUre fans as well !

Where was Nicky Butt when all this was happening ?!

Shag, Marry or Kill !

One of the best games ever ... that has entertained members of HM Forces for years and years whilst stuck on various campaigns around the world,  or has just relieved incredible boredom whilst awaiting the nearest bar to open elsewhere.

It's simple ... (it has to be ... the RAF Police play it as well!) ... you name three people (preferably that everyone knows) that you would
a) Shag
b) Marry
c) Kill
Comprez?

So ... join in with the comments section with round 1 ...

Muslim Suicide Bombers

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.  

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60.

The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,

"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".  

Speaking from his allotment in Blackburn in Lancashire in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, 

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."  

Spokespersons for the union in  Bolton, Birmingham, Luton, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway. 

 Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.  

Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

Well It Made Me Laugh!

Anti-French Jokes

A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!"
The French general asks "Why did you do that?"
The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope."
A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"


George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end of the night, they are cleaning their game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands, throws a bottle of whiskey in the air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol and shoots the bottle out of the air.
Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming, "Viva la France". He, too, pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle.
George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls out his pistol. Then he shoots Chirac and yells "It doesn't get any better than this".


Q: Why don't the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
A: He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French.


Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war protester when he turned and asked the Frenchman:
"Excuse me. Do you speak German?"
The Frenchman replied "No."
Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said "You're welcome."


The French battle flag - three white fleur-de-lies on a white background.


You are the President of the United States. Astronomers have spotted a meteor headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in three days, at approximately 3:30 am EST. The meteor is large enough to wipe France from the face of the earth.
France and the UN have requested that the US immediately send all available ships and aircraft to evacuate the French population. Hundreds of thousands of French people are gathered on Omaha Beach at Normandy hoping for US ships to appear on the horizon.
The ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As President, you must decide: 
(1) Do you stay up that night to watch live coverage of the impact, or 
(2) Do you tape it and watch it the next day?


An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking on the beach one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."


Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.


Q: Why do the French call their fighter jet the "Mirage"?
A: Because it's never been seen in a combat zone.


The only seat available on the train was next a well dressed middle-aged French woman and was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.
An Englishman sitting opposite spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

"In response to the recent terror attacks in Spain, the French government have raised their terror alert status from Run to Hide.
If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to Surrender, or even as high as Collaborate."

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.  France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain. 


"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." French President Jacques Chirac


"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"  Hannibal Lecter


"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."  Marge Simpson



NEWS FLASH

According to a high ranking French source wishing to remain anonymous, French leadership was enormously relieved that Iraq was overrun by Coalition forces faster than France was overrun by Germany in WWII.
Had the French not hindered the Coalition Forces, France might have remained the world's most easily conquered nation.
This proves that Chirac is not quite as dumb as the world thinks, and that treachery has once again served France's national needs.


Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.


There's an old saying...
Raise your right hand if you like the French...
Raise both hands if you are French.




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New Ryanair Safety Card

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Fly WestJet

WestJet is an Airline with it's head office situated in Calgary, Alberta . 
Their cabin attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and announcements a bit more  entertaining. 
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard  time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, 'People, people we're  not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'    On another West Jet Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen,  we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin  lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your  flight attendants.'  On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If  you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd  like to have.'  'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.' 'Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you  for a ride.'  As the plane landed and  was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport, a lone voice came over  the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario,  a flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, 'Please take care  when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like  that, sure as hell everything has shifted.'  From a West Jet Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard West Jet Flight  245 to Calgary . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into  the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;  and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out  in public unsupervised.'  'In the event of  a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a  small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with  theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your  favourite.'  'Weather at our destination  is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed  before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your  money, more than West Jet Airlines.'  'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of  an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with  our compliments.'  'As you exit the  plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind  will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not  leave children or spouses.'  And from  the pilot during his welcome message: 'West Jet Airlines is pleased to  announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the  industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'  Heard on West Jet Airlines just  after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The flight attendant came on the  intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are  thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't  the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the  asphalt.'  Overheard on a West Jet  Airlines flight into Regina , on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and  Gentlemen, welcome to Regina . Please remain in your seats with your  seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane  to the gate!'  Another flight  attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to  please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'    An airline pilot wrote that on this  particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at  the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for  flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a  hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would  have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a  little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I  ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'    After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in  your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to  a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared  and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can  pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'    Part of a flight attendant's arrival  announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the  skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of West Jet  Airways.'  Heard on a West Jet Airline  flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section  on this airplane is out on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke  'em.'  A plane was taking off from the  Winnipeg Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the  captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen,  this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop  from Winnipeg toMontreal ... The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we  should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...  OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain  came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry  if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight  attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should  see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's  nothing. You should see the back of mine!

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Get Revenge

Have you ever sat on a plane, next to an irritating tosser of a seat-mate who keeps talking to you and snooping at everything you read? Next time, just follow these simple instructions:  Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. Remove your laptop, and open it. Start up. Make sure the guy annoying you can see the screen. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. Take a very deep breath... Then open this web address ...

http://tinyurl.com/34fzpf

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New Road Sign for Wales & Australia

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