Talking Total Bollocks: Football

Showing posts with label Football. Show all posts

Monday, 14 June 2010

World Cup 2010 Ultimate Guide

From Four Four Two

We guarantee this won't be the most beautiful FourFourTwo.com page you ever look at, but it could be the most helpful. Here, ladies and gentlemen, are the keys that unlock the best World Cup news, analysis and interviews on the planet.
For each and every one of the 32 competing nations, we're gathering Breaking News from all over the world. We've also got FourFourTwo's renowned Team Guides with analysis of the strengths, weaknesses, coach, players to watch and tactics of every team, plus profiles of all 23 players in every squad, and 32 exclusive interviews – one for each team.
What are you waiting for? Get clicking...

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Vorsprung durch Technik

OMFG !!! I'm watching the German annihilation of Australia.
They look bloody awesome!
We're doomed !!!

World Cup FanPic - France

COCK !!!

World Cup FanPic - South Africa

OMFG !!! Commendable but on reflection this South African perhaps should have iether taken a bit more care with his homemade 'head dress' or checked it out in the mirror prior to going to the match!

Dick'ead ! :)

Green Fingers

Hmm ... I never saw that coming! Mind you, I don't think Robert Green did either!
May I say that as of now I stand behind Rob Green completely and utterly.
Steven Gerrard said the same last night.
With Gerrard and myself literally standing behind him, we can stop his errors counting against us!
We're doomed!

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Oh Yeah !!

'Who Ate All The Pies' (no not you AB!) have a rather delectible source of World Cup eye candy on their website from all the participating nations!

Loadsa potential Butlers there methinks !!

Click here to enjoy :)

Monday, 7 June 2010

Whining Tossers !

I'm watching the Platinum Stars vs England World Cup friendly match on Sky (God it's boring ... but it's either that or decorating!)

Apart from the fact that England look total bollocks, I'm getting annoyed as fuck about commentators and players whinging like the spoilt, overpaid, pampered pri-madonnas that they are, about boredom, and missing their families to represent their country etc etc etc

Oh and then there's the article today about the Ginger Ninja Paul Scholes, who apparantly wasn't given enough time to decide if representing England was worth it!

For fucks sake ... they get paid an absolute shockingly astrofuckingnomical wage, get treated like Gods, and are away for (hopefully) one month max in the absolute lap of luxury with virtually everything they could ever want ! (except WAGS)

Now compare these whining tossers to the lads and lasses currently representing our country in Afghanistan for six months at a time in Forward Bases, Patrol Bases or even Camp Bastion & Kandahar AB ... !

(Pics Below ... Go Fucking Compare !)

Yeah ... exactly !

Lampard Blows The Special One !

Shocking !!!

Oh great, England’s first World Cup ref is “a bastard”

From The Spoiler
Oi oi! Here comes trouble…

Fans of The Apprentice will know the deal - the primary goal is to win, but before that, you need to find a fall guy just in case. A hapless cretin, a weak link, preferably a man/woman with a growing reputation for being a total ninny.
So, to use some popular village hall vernacular - bingo! England have already located their potential scapegoat, in the form of the Brazilian referee Carlos Eugenio Simon, who will be taking charge of their opening match against America’s second favourite variety of footballers come the weekend. (more…)

Saturday, 5 June 2010

OMFG !! Here we go again !!

But ... Artillery Bloke possibly had this story first ... and yes ... you heard it here first

Now the online footy mag 'Off The Post' seem to have possibly the same story ...

Tabloid reportedly ready to go to town on World Cup star

Apologies for the cryptic nature of this post, but I don’t fancy going head-to-head with the very best lawyer a well-paid footballer can buy.

Any of you who indulge even occasionally in football tittle-tattle will probably have heard the tale of the married, reportedly hotel-dwelling Premier League star who allegedly got a schoolgirl pregnant.

Through a combination of super-injunctions and the newspaper biding its time to maximise impact, the story has not yet surfaced despite being an often repeated piece of gossip in footballing circles. This had led OTP to question whether it was, in fact, a load of rubbish.

But we have been tipped that the story will finally go to press this Sunday (last minute injunctions permitting).

Emile Donkey

Emile ~~Hes~~Donkey has once again proved his sheer lack of ability, and managed to cripple the now ex-England Captain Rio Ferdinand on the very first day of training in South Africa! (not that Ferdinand is that much of a loss ... but!).

Nice one ~~Hes~~Donkey ... you fucking muppet !!!

And he has Ivanhoe as a middle name ?! It should be Judas !!

~~Hes~~Donkey should be banished to his room - or better still sent back home - and be forced to watch 'Drop The Dead Donkey' (take the hint Fabio!) whilst playing Donkey Kong on his Nintendo !

We're Doomed !!!!

EN-GER-LUND "THE RETURN OF THE CENTRE - HALF"

Has the England manager seen sense? Or has Heskey realised that he can actually tackle someone????

Anyway, what is he going to do for the next month? Well, til the end of the group stages then he will have to watch cricket like the rest of us.

No, I, that is me, Artillery Bloke has been undercover! I have discovered that Rio is in Brazil.

Yes, Brazil.

And he is having a bit of a party to celebrate. He is calling it a Carnival and I have the following, exclusive picture of Rio in his best going out clobber.......

Thursday, 3 June 2010

Awesome World Cup Calendar

Marine Boy has found this extremely impressive World Cup Calendar! Nice one matey!

Enjoy

The Best World Cup Trailer Yet - Shame It's Australian!

Popout
More impressive than the Nike ‘Write The Future’ ad though? Me say yes!

We're Doomed!

After carefull consideration, I have come to this conclusion about our chances of lifting the World cup this year: Sweet F.A.!

Sorry ... but that's what I think after including such donkeys as Heskey, Crouch & Carrick in particular !

On a lighter note, I did hear that on the flight over to South Africa, the pri-madonnas & donkeys were to be treated to football themed films and entertainment ... I bet John Terry couldn't wait to get into 'Gregory's Girl' !!

Anyway ... please salute England's Pri-Madonna Donkey Squad:

With a squad like that – Warnock! Heskey! Carrick! SWP! – how can England fail?
In the quarter-finals again, on penalties, that’s how.

Goalkeepers (top row from left): Donkey James, Robert Green, Joe Hart
Defenders (second row from left): Donkey Warnock, Pri-Madonna Cole, Pri-Madonna Terry, Jaime Carragher, Glen Johnson, Donkey Ferdinand, Ledley King, Matthew Upson
Midfielders (third row from left): Gareth Barry, Joe Cole, Aaron Lennon, Pri-Madonna Lampard, Donkey Wright-Phillips, Pri-Madonna Gerrard, Donkeyl Carrick, James Milner
Forwards (bottom row from left): Jermain Defoe, Donkey Heskey, Pri-Madonna Rooney, Donkey Crouch

Shock! Capello Unveils Squad of Mutant Rooneys!

From The Daily Mash

FABIO Capello has dropped 29 players from his provisional World Cup squad in favour of a side comprised entirely of mutant Wayne Rooneys.

The one with the head growing out of its ear tried to eat its own foot
The England Coach is hoping that untested cloning technology can propel his side to victory after the final friendly, which moved 'unnamed Japanese defender' to the top of England's goal scoring table.

Capello said: "Some of the mutants have come out a bit wonky and one of them keeps biting the heads off of physios.

"In fairness, that could well be the original Wayne, but nobody's been able to get close enough to check him for a belly button."

The new-look England will line up in a 0-0-10 formation, with the Rooneys slowly advancing in a straight line. The eleventh Rooney, an early attempt described as looking like a sixteen stone erection with a furious expression on what can loosely be called its face, will play in goal.

Capello said fears over exhaustion due to the increased altitude in South Africa will therefore be avoided when the opposing players run out of the stadium in unbridled terror after 30 seconds.

He added:"We have had trouble getting some of the Rooneys to push the ball into the net, especially Rooney14, who has just the one eye in his rectum, but we're asking FIFA if we can toss a lump of raw meat behind the goal to guide them in."

England's scientists have also engineered a bucket full of metatarsals and hamstrings to help maintain the squad, although the main fear is that a Rooney could get loose and wreak havoc in the delicate South African ecosystem.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "You really don't want to see what three Rooneys can do to a herd of wildebeest or an old folk's home.

"And if one of them crossbreeds with a hippo, it would probably be an improvement."

Saturday, 29 May 2010

The Hosts of Euro 2016? France !!!!

Michel Platini announces France will host Euro 2016

(Above: Arrogant French Cheating Cock!)

France have beaten Turkey and Italy for the right to stage the European Championship in 2016. France previously staged the tournament in 1960 and were hosts again in 1984, winning it with a team captained by Michel Platini, the Uefa president.

The French, hosts and winners of the 1998 World Cup, beat Turkey by just a single vote after Italy were eliminated in the first round of voting.

Well there's a fucking surprise!

And England held the World Cup in '66 and the Euros in '96.

The Arrogant French Cock (above) has chosen his Arrogant French Country to host the tournament ... but of course he isn't biaised in anyway shape or form.

Bollocks!

(Above: French Cheating Cock!)

Still, at least the Filthy Frogs won't have to fucking cheat their way to 2016 like they did to this year's World Cup!

Monday, 24 May 2010

England World Cup Songs: ‘Grab A Stella, Nelson Mandela’ By England United Featuring Spike

From 'Who Ate All The Pies'

LISTEN TO THE SONG HERE

Shambolic - yes. But also the best unofficial England World cup song I've heard yet, if only for the rhyming 'Stella' with 'Mandela' - suck on that Baddiel & Skinner !
The rest of the lyrics are spot-on too - 'Ashley Cole in his underpants', sung with appropriate disdain. Love it!

Premier Managers End of Term Report Cards

Found this in the Daily Mail Online, which made me giggle:

Sporting Week's end of term report on the Premier League managers highlights certain key areas which the group need to tackle over the summer.

The domestic season is over and now those bosses have to watch their players slog it out for another month at the World Cup while trying to get new ones in.

In the meantime, here's how they rated on their SW report cards...

Alex Ferguson

May soon have to accept that it is someone else's turn to be head boy. His timekeeping was as erratic as ever, although he is getting on much better in the French depratment than previously.

Arsene Wenger

Arsene continues to be a dreamer who believes in the metaphysical search for poetic perfection. Unfortunately this again meant he fell short in all the important examinations when a degree of pragmatism was required.

Carlo Ancelotti

Despite his wealthy back-
ground, Carlo still needed to show diplomacy and expertise in leading an unruly and somewhat unpleasant group during team-building exercises. That he managed it so soon after arriving speaks volumes for the boy.

Harold Redknapp

Tottenham Hotspur manager Harry Redknapp

Harold spent heavily at the school tuck shop and has finally gained the widespread respect of his peers as a result.
Having said that, questions remain about where he actually got so much pocket money from in the first place.

Roberto Mancini

A warm character, mainly thanks to his ever-
present muffler, Roberto has fitted in well despite coming to the school in mid-term. Not afraid to defend his territory in front of the disruptive Scottish element in the class - but not at the expense of his immaculate hair-do, obviously.

Martin O'Neill

It was very difficult to decipher exactly what Martin meant during some of his more impassioned debates but he has the right principles at heart.

Rafael Benitez

Rumours that he was about to abruptly end his difficult stint as an exchange student - many of them seemingly started by Rafael himself - did not make this an easy year for the highly-strung Spaniard. He had the chance to build on last term's encouraging progress but was held back by all-too-obvious conflict issues with figures of authority. Must do better next time - if he is still here.

Anthony Pulis

His refusal to take his cap off caused friction with officials during assembly and a willingness to brawl with larger boys has left him in some awkward positions in the showers after games. Otherwise, starting to look at home in this environment.

Avram Grant

The contro-
versy when he was found in an unsavoury part of town while wearing his school uniform did not help Avram - neither did a shortfall in his school fee payments halfway through the academic year. As a result Avram and his group will be held back a year for their own good.

STAR PUPIL...ROY HODGSON

Roy certainly gained more than any other boy from our exciting field trips to remote parts of Europe.
Where some moaned about the travelling arrangements, Roy simply

got on with it and tried to take the most from each experience.
He wins the special Harrods hamper which is awarded to the most mature student.

Brian Laws

Brian was very much caught in the backdraft of Owen Coyle's petulant and disruptive decision to jump ship to a supposedly posher neighbouring school, apparently because he 'preferred the canteen food and the view from the playing fields'. Brian was left with very little time to make an impact on the class, although his detractors may suggest this was a good thing.

Owen Coyle

Owen is becoming a thoughtless and bull-headed boy who would be well advised to make sure he does not loiter behind the bike sheds after hours, as he has made many enemies with his 'self, self, self' attitude.

Samuel Allardyce

Samuel has bounced back well after a traumatic period at a much bigger school in a rough area where he was picked on mercilessly and eventually harried out of town. Seems much happier in an environment near to where he first made a bright impression.

Alex McCleish

A quiet achiever who gets on with his work and leaves the histrionics to more self-centred individuals. Well done Alexander, a very satisfactory year.

David Moyes

David seemed to be asleep for the first two terms before finally showing us what we know he is capable of. In danger of treading water if he does the same again next time.

Roberto Martinez

Had the chance to influence the exciting end of year drama production when offered a starring role but then let everyone down by inexplicably failing to turn up.

Iain Dowie

Only turned up at the end of the final term and immediately disappointed at the annual charity beauty contest organised by sixth form pupils which his predecessor won last year thanks to a dazzling smile, a great voice and an alarming tan.

Steven Bruce

Steven is a very brave young man, as a history of standing up to his old manager's hairdryer treatment and chasing potential car thieves away from his home illustrates. So it was no wonder that he thrived in the north-east.

Mick McCarthy

Proved his detractors wrong by mana-
ging to stay in the top set, - no doubt motivated by the desire to avoid that nasty boy Roy Keane from further down the school for as long as possible.

OFF TO A NEW SCHOOL: GIANFRANCO ZOLA

Rounded off a traumatic few months by winning the sack race on sports day. Good luck for the future Gianfranco.

ARTHUR'S TALKING TOTAL BOLLOCKS INTRO

Monday, 14 June 2010

Sunday, 13 June 2010

Related articles by Zemanta

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Monday, 7 June 2010

Related articles by Zemanta

Saturday, 5 June 2010

Related articles by Zemanta

Thursday, 3 June 2010

Related articles by Zemanta

Saturday, 29 May 2010

Related articles by Zemanta

Monday, 24 May 2010

From 'Who Ate All The Pies'

Related articles by Zemanta

Alex Ferguson

Arsene Wenger

Carlo Ancelotti

Harold Redknapp

Roberto Mancini

Martin O'Neill

Rafael Benitez

Anthony Pulis

Avram Grant

STAR PUPIL...ROY HODGSON

Brian Laws

Owen Coyle

Samuel Allardyce

Alex McCleish

David Moyes

Roberto Martinez

Iain Dowie

Steven Bruce

Mick McCarthy

OFF TO A NEW SCHOOL: GIANFRANCO ZOLA