ARTHUR IS MISSING !!!!

FLASH MESSAGE

FLASH FLASH FLASH

081240ZJUN10
TO ALL TTB UNITS
FM RAFB
SUBJ ARTHUR
MSG ARTHUR MISSING FROM CELL STOP. LAST SEEN AT LIGHTS OUT 072100ZJUN10 STOP. PRISONER TO BE CLASSED AS EXTREMELY STUPID AND ANNOYING STOP. CONDUCT IMMEDIATE WIDE AREA SEARCH WITH 100 NM RADIUS OF TTB HQ STOP. APPROACH WITH CAUTION AND ARREST WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE IF FOUND STOP. PRISONER POSSIBLY HAS ACCOMPLICES FROM BBC SPECIAL OPS TEAM STOP. CONSIDER BBC SPEC OPS TEAM ARMED AND DANGEROUS STOP. REPORT ALL SIGHTINGS TO TTB HQ IMMEDIATELY STOP.
MSG ENDS.

Lampard Blows The Special One !

Shocking !!!

Proof That Ronaldo Is A Cocksucker !!

I'm a bit worried about Roon's reaction though ... !!

Giggs Takes One From The Boss

OMFG ! 
This is no doubt a variation on the infamous 'hairdryer treatment!'
Probably a common thing with all ManUre fans as well !

Where was Nicky Butt when all this was happening ?!

Shag, Marry or Kill !

One of the best games ever ... that has entertained members of HM Forces for years and years whilst stuck on various campaigns around the world,  or has just relieved incredible boredom whilst awaiting the nearest bar to open elsewhere.

It's simple ... (it has to be ... the RAF Police play it as well!) ... you name three people (preferably that everyone knows) that you would
a) Shag
b) Marry
c) Kill
Comprez?

So ... join in with the comments section with round 1 ...

Arthur - Calling For Help

It appears our concerns about the Odour Challenged Tramp were warranted ...


Marine Boy & RMP Bloke have just informed Artillery Bloke and myself that Arthur DID actually have a transmitter after all, and despite his well known ineptitude with anything technical, it appears that he may have actually sent a message of help to his best friend ! (well, 'acquaintance' would be more accurate ... as in he has some dodgy pictures of the bloke and is using bribery and extortion to get rescued!)


We thought we'd confiscated everything and blown up the obvious cavity with which he normally communicates, as no-one can understand a fucking thing that comes out of his mouth!


It appears we were mistaken!


Worryingly though, we believe that the senile old tosser's message actually may have reached his intended recipient ... and as a consequence, as soon as I have finished inaugurating the latest Butler intake, and Artillery gets back from the Puppy Convention, we will be increasing security around the doddering old git to ensure he can't escape - or be rescued.


Unfortunately, a civil rights 'rapist from Yorkshire has subpoenaed RMP Bloke for a recording of the transmission under the Freedom Of Information Act.


Bloody Do-Gooders !

What Does Your eMail Account Say About You?

BP & The Oil Spill

Image by [ Mooi ] via Flickr

BP aren't making any friends at the moment on the other side of the pond.


They seem to be having major difficulties containing the leak from the oil platform disaster in the Gulf of Mexico back in April. Very big difficulties in fact.


Well, I have thought about it, and since my initial theory of using Vanessa Feltz's tampon to soak up the oil failed, I have now come up with a simple foolproof system.

Move the oil to somewhere where a big black sticky sludgy smelly contaminating blob would go unnoticed. Simples!


Using modern technology to measure the current perimeter of the spill, accurate to within the last 24 hours, I was able to finalise the masterplan and deduce THE perfect location for the oil, that would satisfy sensible and rational, law abiding citizens ...

Related articles by Zemanta

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• BP Hit With £47m Bill For Gulf Oil Spill (news.sky.com)

Well It Made Me Laugh!

Israel Just Makes It Easier For Guardian Readers To Look Good

From The Daily Mash

ISRAEL'S attack on a Palestinian aid ship will make it easier for Guardian readers to sound as if they know what they are talking about, it was claimed last night.

A cretin about to say something wrong that everyone agrees with

Experts warned Tel Aviv that every time it launches a seemingly unprovoked or disproportionate attack it allows at least 10,000 cretins to say something at a dinner party that everyone then agrees with.

Dr Martin Bishop, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Benjamin Netanyahu has to realise that his aggressive stance towards Hamas and Hezbollah is playing into the hands of some of the worst people in the world.

"I simply cannot sit through another dinner party with some speccie fucker spouting off about Israel while all the single, attractive women around the table stare at him like he was Martin Luther King.

"Meanwhile I'm sitting there knowing it's actually a tad more complicated and that the Israelis are dealing with people who will not rest until it they've all been wiped from the face of the Earth and if it was us then we might just get a bit jumpy too, particularly if someone had tried to do it before. 

"But if I come out and say that then this vegetarian ponce is going to accuse me of wanting to make a fancy cocktail with the blood of Palestinian babies and there goes any chance I may have of picking off the drunkest woman from the pack.

"If they could just protect their borders against exploding maniacs with a little more tact then that would help me enormously in my quest for a really good blow job."

But Julian Cook, a grade six Guardian reader from Highbury, said: "There's a fascinating piece by Jonathan Freedland which sums up my feelings exactly - and he's Jewish so that means I must be right. At least I think he's Jewish. He certainly looks like a Jew."

And Helen Archer, a social worker from Finsbury Park who keeps a photo of Polly Toynbee in her purse, added: "Israel are acting like Nazis - there, I said it."

Meanwhile, Mr Netanyahu has refused to apologise for the the attack and instead staged a press conference where he accused a two month old kitten of giving him a funny look, before tossing it casually under a passing steamroller.

Dr Bishop added: "Oh for fuck's sake." 

Shock! Capello Unveils Squad of Mutant Rooneys!

From The Daily Mash

FABIO Capello has dropped 29 players from his provisional World Cup squad in favour of a side comprised entirely of mutant Wayne Rooneys.

The one with the head growing out of its ear tried to eat its own foot

The England Coach is hoping that untested cloning technology can propel his side to victory after the final friendly, which moved 'unnamed Japanese defender' to the top of England's goal scoring table.

Capello said: "Some of the mutants have come out a bit wonky and one of them keeps biting the heads off of physios.

"In fairness, that could well be the original Wayne, but nobody's been able to get close enough to check him for a belly button."

The new-look England will line up in a 0-0-10 formation, with the Rooneys slowly advancing in a straight line. The eleventh Rooney, an early attempt described as looking like a sixteen stone erection with a furious expression on what can loosely be called its face, will play in goal.

Capello said fears over exhaustion due to the increased altitude in South Africa will therefore be avoided when the opposing players run out of the stadium in unbridled terror after 30 seconds.

He added:"We have had trouble getting some of the Rooneys to push the ball into the net, especially Rooney14, who has just the one eye in his rectum, but we're asking FIFA if we can toss a lump of raw meat behind the goal to guide them in."

England's scientists have also engineered a bucket full of metatarsals and hamstrings to help maintain the squad, although the main fear is that a Rooney could get loose and wreak havoc in the delicate South African ecosystem.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "You really don't want to see what three Rooneys can do to a herd of wildebeest or an old folk's home.

"And if one of them crossbreeds with a hippo, it would probably be an improvement."

It's lies! It's lies ! She IS real! She told me at breakfast! Because I'm worth it!

From The Daily Mash

THOUSANDS of television viewers still believe that Cheryl Cole is not a special effect created in a damp bedroom, it emerged last night.

Ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl Cole

The broadcasting watchdog OFCOM launched an investigation after consumers claimed a product advertised by the latest version of the Cheryl Cole graphic made their hair smell of rotting dolphins.

An OFCOM spokesman said: "After receiving a number of letters full of spelling mistakes, we would like to clarify that Cheryl Cole isn't a real person, with actual hair.

"Cole is, of course, a computer-generated, manga-esque promotional image designed and maintained by a team of priapic teenagers working shifts in a dingy, fetid bedroom in Stoke littered with copies of White Dwarfmagazine and a job lot of Triple Velvet.

"And that is why the bottle of off-white goop you bought has failed to make you look nice, despite its clearly beneficial effects on Cheryl's non-existent hair."

He added: "In a purely technical sense this sort of thing is completely immoral.

"But without the ethically flexible duping the mentally unfortunate into buying hair products, our economy would soon be reduced to car boot sales and a ragged, undernourished peasantry bartering for carrots.

"It's better to just think of L'Oreal adverts as a sort of world-weary version of the tooth fairy for women who read Closer."

Nineteen year-old Wayne Hayes, one of Cheryl Cole's creators, said: "She does look pretty realistic, apart from the eyes which are basically just black dots. I did the tits and the arse. You're very kind."

He added: "We are getting better at it with each version. Our first attempt to generate a pretend woman turned out to be Kerry Katona.

"As you can imagine, the people at Iceland were absolutely furious."

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• Cheryl Cole L'Oreal hair advert complaints rejected (telegraph.co.uk)
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• Official: the truth about Cheryl Cole's hair (guardian.co.uk)

AB is Prime Suspect in Local Crime

Read the Official Story Here

A FAMILY has been left devastated after a puppy was stolen from a pen at their home.

Dognappers stole the 12-week-old cocker spaniel puppy after using boltcutters to force the padlock off a pen.

Tinker, a chocolate spaniel bitch, with a small white beard, and patches of white on the end of her two back feet, was snatched from her home in Castill House, Gisburn Road, Gisburn.

Owner Lindsay Ayrton, 49, said: “She is a very special pet. She has the loveliest and sweetest nature you could wish for.

“I miss her so much that I am absolutely bereft. I was looking forward to training her this summer and can't bear the thought of being without her.

“I will gladly offer a reward for her safe return with no questions asked, I just want my puppy back.”

During the theft a petrol lawnmower and a chainsaw from the garage at the property were also taken.

Tinker, is thought to be worth about £450 to £800.

Sgt Conrad Tapp at Clitheroe police said: “These were opportunistic thieves who were looking for certain items and came across the dog as well “If the dog is offered for sale we would urge people to contact the police.”

RAF Bloke Holds Butler Auditions

The latest masses of applicants for the highly sought after positions of RAF Bloke's Butlers pose for a photo outside of RAF Bloke's country retreat.


Auditions are taking place over the next few months in which all the female applicants will be regularly and vigorously tested for their skills and adaptability, in what is regarded as an extremely fluid and dynamic post.

New Facebook Privacy Settings

Who Says Education Isn't Working ?!

*this is my favourite! (below)

Education for Girls & Boys - Disney Style !

Old - But Still Amusing! Understanding Political Theories.

Just stumbled across this old little joke that made me chuckle so thought I would share for those that might not have seen it before - 


Understanding Political Theories.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the President is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the US constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Obviously we at TTB prefer the Surrealism Government Model

Great Newspaper Editing ... Not!

Mummy, Daddy, Children ... Are You Sitting Comfortably?

Then I'll begin

Parents

Your children, if aged 13 and under have only ever lived under a New Labour government. That means you have not had to take responsibility for their education, discipline, welfare, behaviour or aspirations. You have been taught to give them all they require and send the bill to the Government who promised to look after everything as long as you voted for them. Nike trainers, PS3's on demand, iPhones for under 10's, the lot. and if you couldn't afford it, Labour made sure that every credit shark in the business could lend you money you couldn't afford to repay.

If your partner legged it, so what, more tax credits. If little Timmy punched a teacher, so what, he'll get extra sweets from an ADHD diversity coordinator and if he burnt down the house, so what, Labour would give you another one. If he can't read and write, so what, he'll go on the Social and get a flat for his now pregnant girlfriend he met last night. No need to worry about the kids, that's what the state is for, ain't my fault, innit.

Well guess what? That's coming to an end. If you didn't bother to nurture your offspring, the State will no longer take responsibility for them. You will. Chardonnay is not going to get a council house because she dropped them as soon as she could to the first passing asylum seeker with no forwarding address. She and her halfling are going to be living in your spare room, smoking your fags and wolfing down your pot noodles.

Little Connor (who is an angel, says his Nan) is not going to get one on one tuition in an effort to stop him hitting the teachers. He's going to be smashing up YOUR front room instead of a classroom. Oh, and he's not going for two weeks camping with the council diversity coordinator where he can run riot and you get a fortnights heavy drinking in. He's staying with you. Ripping up your stuff to show how creative he is. And the army of hairy lippedsandalistas you normally rang and demanded "sort 'im aht, he's doin' my 'ead in" aren't going to be there anymore.

In short, the buck now stops with you. Not me, the taxpayer. Enjoy the fruits of your loins. Every horrifying minute stuck with what you allowed Labour to create in your name. Put down the remote and teach your child to read. Sit at a dinner table and eat with your child. Meals YOU have cooked. Teach him the value of food, conversation, family, money, hard work, ambition, aspiration and dreams. Show him knowledge. Teach him manners. Teach him the consequences of his decisions. Teach him respect.

Because no matter what they promised, Labour certainly didn't and now you are going to have to pick up the pieces. I wish you luck, you're going to need it.

Children

Your world is about to change dramatically. In order to survive, you are going to have to do things you have never done before. You are going to have to acquire skills that will enable you to live in a world where there are no free hand outs and no one is being paid to put up with your abuse anymore. Trust me, they aren't going to do it for free either.

If you decide that school is a pain, family is shit, money is everything and having a laugh whilst someone else pays and deals with the mess, then you are in for a shock. It isn't your fault but it IS up to you to sort it out. And you can. You have a unique opportunity to crawl out of the pond that so many of today's neets are mindlessly swimming in and you'd better make sure you're in the first wave who do, because sure as eggs, the ladder will be pulled up.

Study. Read a book. Gain knowledge that others do not have, it will make you valuable. It will mean you do not have to live with your mum, her numerous boyfriends and Chardonnays screaming brat "doing your head in". It will give you independence to live your life as you wish, not as a Politician wished you to live it. It will give you freedom.

One thing is for sure, if you want what Labour promised, an easy idle life with no responsibility, then you are going to have to finance it yourself.

As Liam Byrne said "There's no money left". And he wasn't joking.

By Old Holborn