World Cup FanPic - France

COCK !!!

BP & The Oil Spill

Image by [ Mooi ] via Flickr

BP aren't making any friends at the moment on the other side of the pond.


They seem to be having major difficulties containing the leak from the oil platform disaster in the Gulf of Mexico back in April. Very big difficulties in fact.


Well, I have thought about it, and since my initial theory of using Vanessa Feltz's tampon to soak up the oil failed, I have now come up with a simple foolproof system.

Move the oil to somewhere where a big black sticky sludgy smelly contaminating blob would go unnoticed. Simples!


Using modern technology to measure the current perimeter of the spill, accurate to within the last 24 hours, I was able to finalise the masterplan and deduce THE perfect location for the oil, that would satisfy sensible and rational, law abiding citizens ...

Related articles by Zemanta

• Gov't to bill BP $69M for oil spill cleanup so far (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
• BP spill could reach Atlantic Coast within weeks (financialpost.com)
• BP Hit With £47m Bill For Gulf Oil Spill (news.sky.com)

The Hosts of Euro 2016? France !!!!

(Above: Arrogant French Cheating Cock!)


France have beaten Turkey and Italy for the right to stage the European Championship in 2016. France previously staged the tournament in 1960 and were hosts again in 1984, winning it with a team captained by Michel Platini, the Uefa president.

The French, hosts and winners of the 1998 World Cup, beat Turkey by just a single vote after Italy were eliminated in the first round of voting.

Well there's a fucking surprise! 

And England held the World Cup in '66 and the Euros in '96.

The Arrogant French Cock (above) has chosen his Arrogant French Country to host the tournament ... but of course he isn't biaised in anyway shape or form. 

Bollocks!

(Above: French Cheating Cock!)

Still, at least the Filthy Frogs won't have to fucking cheat their way to 2016 like they did to this year's World Cup!

Related articles by Zemanta

• France chosen to host Euro 2016 (news.bbc.co.uk)
• France confirmed as host nation for Euro 2016 (soccernet.espn.go.com)
• France named as hosts of Euro 2016 as Italy and Turkey miss out (telegraph.co.uk)
• France to host 2016 European Championship (cnn.com)

The 2010 World Cup

Now that the minor issue of the English football season has all but finished, and ManUre fans have started their conspiracy claims, we can turn our attention to the blue ribboned event in the footballing calendar ... The 2010 World Cup.



Will England triumph? Will we be embarrassed ... again? 


Who will lift the infamous Jules Rimet Trophy?

(yeah I know ... 1966 and all that!)


I must add a note of caution though ... for those of you that don't know ... Jules Rimet was in fact French ! 

(Probably was a nice bloke - but was French - therefore a Cock)


I suspect this was a masterplan which Michel Platini had conjured up whilst in the womb to ensure French dominance in the beautiful game. 

(French Arrogant Cock)


Thankfully his dastardly plan hasn't worked properly - with the minor exception of the 1998 nightmare - which was an disgrace and embarrassment to all things glorious and decent and shall never ever be spoken of here again.


But the threat of the cheating French Cocks must be closely scrutinised, as well as any attempts to bribe or coerce the match officials by Platini or that other idiot Sepp Blatter (who is German) and thus present a dual clear and present threat to English chances of success.
 
(German Cock)


Talking of threats to us winning ... 

(God)


Mr Capello  (who will now be temporarily referred to as God) names his initial 30-man squad tomorrow.


It is here that I offer A Prayer ... 


Please God - in the name of all things holy and righteous ...


DO NOT INCLUDE THAT BUMBLING BUFFOON Emile Heskey - who has the impertinent sacrilegious cheek to have 'Ivanhoe' as a middle name - in your squad and is as much use as a chocolate fire guard!

(Bumbling Buffoon)


Also - think seriously about including that other buffoon Peter Crouch as he may nick a few goals but is seriously cack, er, I mean rubbish, most of the time!

(Peter Crouch)


(A Flamingo)


Thank you God. ... er, I mean, Amen.


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The Axis of Evil

The well publicised 'official' Axis of Evil is part  of the US & Western Foreign Policy ... but here is our list of the true Axis of Evil, and one in which we believe contains areas of the planet which prove just as potent a threat to the stability of peace and merriment to the planet.


In no particular order ...




France ... For shitloads ... e.g. for pigeons, for Michel Platini, for Jacques Delors, for arrogance, for smelling, for Dijon mustard, for striking all the time and for breathing in general ! Need I go on? 
"Va te faire foutre France!" :)





Argentina ... they can shove The Malvinas and their corned beef up their arses ! The Falklands are ours ! Ram it you Greasy Daego Wops !





Yorkshire ... For abuse of Gravy, Whippets and speaking in stupid accents





Scousers ... For skiving and speaking stupid!





Wales ... For abuse of sheep and spawning Ryan Giggs !





Iceland ... Thanks for stealing our money, for the cod wars and now that fucking volcano!





Disclaimer: 
TTB reserve the right to update our Axis of Evil list as and when we feel appropriate :)


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Pigeons !

Pigeons! What fucking use do they provide !


Let's face it ... what have pigeons ever done for us ?!


Maybe they provide some fun for saddos that race them ... (the flat capped freaky type that hail from Yorkshire maybe ... whilst pouring gravy over their chips)


Apart from that - why in hell do they exist ?


They crap on everything ... like the French
They smell ... like the French
They're fucking useless ... like the French 
Maybe they are all fucking French ?!



(PROOF ! A fucking French Pigeon !)



These fuckers are obviously made in France and sent here as a stealth weapon to annoy the crap out of us by crapping on us! 


It seems to me that this is the only feasible answer ...


... to declare genocide on pigeons ... and the fucking French !



or ...
... better still ...





Do we need a better reason ?


AU REVOIR LES FROGGIES !! ... and take your fucking pigeons with you !


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Anti-French Jokes

A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!"
The French general asks "Why did you do that?"
The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope."
A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"


George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end of the night, they are cleaning their game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands, throws a bottle of whiskey in the air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol and shoots the bottle out of the air.
Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming, "Viva la France". He, too, pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle.
George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls out his pistol. Then he shoots Chirac and yells "It doesn't get any better than this".


Q: Why don't the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
A: He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French.


Donald Rumsfeld was being heckled by a French anti-war protester when he turned and asked the Frenchman:
"Excuse me. Do you speak German?"
The Frenchman replied "No."
Rumsfeld looked him in the eyes and said "You're welcome."


The French battle flag - three white fleur-de-lies on a white background.


You are the President of the United States. Astronomers have spotted a meteor headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in three days, at approximately 3:30 am EST. The meteor is large enough to wipe France from the face of the earth.
France and the UN have requested that the US immediately send all available ships and aircraft to evacuate the French population. Hundreds of thousands of French people are gathered on Omaha Beach at Normandy hoping for US ships to appear on the horizon.
The ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As President, you must decide: 
(1) Do you stay up that night to watch live coverage of the impact, or 
(2) Do you tape it and watch it the next day?


An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking on the beach one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."


Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Frenchman is there?
A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?
A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?
A: The duck wins.


Q: Why do the French call their fighter jet the "Mirage"?
A: Because it's never been seen in a combat zone.


The only seat available on the train was next a well dressed middle-aged French woman and was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.
An Englishman sitting opposite spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

"In response to the recent terror attacks in Spain, the French government have raised their terror alert status from Run to Hide.
If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to Surrender, or even as high as Collaborate."

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.  France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Mark Twain. 


"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton


"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." French President Jacques Chirac


"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"  Hannibal Lecter


"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."  Marge Simpson



NEWS FLASH

According to a high ranking French source wishing to remain anonymous, French leadership was enormously relieved that Iraq was overrun by Coalition forces faster than France was overrun by Germany in WWII.
Had the French not hindered the Coalition Forces, France might have remained the world's most easily conquered nation.
This proves that Chirac is not quite as dumb as the world thinks, and that treachery has once again served France's national needs.


Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.


There's an old saying...
Raise your right hand if you like the French...
Raise both hands if you are French.




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The Most Hated Footballer In The World?

OK, I've though long and hard about this (for a few minutes anyway) ...
and have narrowed it down to my personal most hated top 5 footballers of all time ...

Fifth Place

John Terry ...
he should be ashamed and embarrassed for potentially destroying the harmony in the England dressing room and screwing what slim chances we have of winning this years World Cup, as well as a team mates girlfriend!
Being a Cock is bad
Being a Cock and Screwing your mate's girlfriend is very bad!
Being a Cock and Screwing your mates girlfriend AND possible England's chances of glory is unforgiveable!

Fourth Place

Eric Cantona ...
because he is a True French Arrogant Cock and played for the wankers at Old Trafford.
Being French is bad.
Being French and a Cock is expected - but very fucking bad.
Being French and a Cock AND playing for ManUre is just unfuckingforgiveable ! 

But - that kung-fu kick did make me giggle even though he can shove his seagulls up his arse!
But unbelievably there are worse offenders - so only No 4 for Le Manc Cock-Frog.

Third Place

Diego Maradonna ...
yep this is the cock believe it or not ...

Too much Corned Beef and Cocaine eh fatso?

Why? Duh !!

Being Argentinian is very bad.

Being Argentinian and a Cock is expected - but very very fucking bad.

Being Argentinian and a Cock AND a CHEATING GREASY DAEGO WOP MOTHER-FUCKER  is reason enough for us to invade mainland Argentina, ban all corned beef and add Argentina to the Axis of Evil for all eternity !
Enough said !


Second Place

Cristiano Ronaldo ... 
an uber arrogant cock and an ex-ManUre scumbag of the highest level ! 

Being Portuguese isn't that bad by itself. Look at Mourinho. He's cool

Being Portuguese and an Uber Cock though is fucking bad - very very fucking bad.
Being Portuguese and an Uber Cock ex ManUre Scum though is really fucking bad - very very really fucking bad.

Being Portuguese and an Uber Cock ex ManUre Scum AND a FUCKING CHEAT is a fucking diabolical liberty!!

Being Portuguese and an Uber Cock ex ManUre Scum AND a FUCKING CHEAT THAT KNOCKS ENGLAND OUT OF THE WORLD CUP is an instantly SHOOT ON FUCKING SIGHT FUCKING OFFENCE !!

Ronaldo conspires to get Roon The Loon sent off.
Why didn't Rooney twat him as he was going off anyway? Looks like he was thinking about it!


Maybe Portugal should be added to the Axis of Evil as penance for breeding such a knob?!


THE WINNER

Gary Fucking Neville ... 
The most annoying cock sucking arrogant twat ever seen in a ManUre shirt !! 
That's saying something considering he beats every other annoying cock sucking arrogant twat in a ManUre shirt for this title hands down!

Being an Fucking Arrogant Uber Cock Sucker is bad.

Being an Fucking Arrogant Uber Cock Sucker and a ManUre player is very very very fucking ridiculously astronomically bad.

Being an Fucking Arrogant Uber Cock Sucker and a ManUre player with the worst fucking whining attitude in the whole fucking world is absolutely a capital fucking shoot me now and fucking kill me unfuckingforgivable offence. 

BEING GARY FUCKING NEVILLE IS THE FUCKING ULTIMATE FUCKING SHAME !!!!

I fucking hate him .. a lot ! A very fucking lot !! 
Fucker !!!

(The Wanker Himself on hearing he made Number One on my hate list)

The Winning Fucking Arrogant Uber Cock Sucker consoles the Second placed Uber Arrogant Cock


Discuss :)
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The Fucking French !

What the fuck have the French ever done for us?

As I see it, all they do is

1 Annoy the crap out of us
2 Fast track all the dregs of Europe (apart from themselves thank Christ) towards the UK via Calais and the Channel Tunnel,
3 Blockade their ports to fuck over our transport and tourism industry,
4 Fuck over our holidays and European air traffic by constantly going on strike causing endless delays and re-routes to flights,
5 Fuck over our farming industry,
6 Love declaring war on us but come screaming for our military help if they get invaded,
7 Fuck up the European Union by demanding they get preferential treatment in subsidies etc,
8 Sell Exocet missiles to Argentina during the Falklands Conflict
9 Fuck up NATO by being kind of in it when it suits them
10 Refuse to fight in Iraq during The Gulf War part 1
11 Made Michel Platini the UEFA President and cheat at football

No wonder their national emblem is a COCK !!
( Click Here For Our Explanation Of 'Cock' )

The Official French Cock (above)
Another French Cock (below)














I can't think of one decent thing that they've done (apart from sink the Rainbow Warrior to be fair)... so why don't we just annihilate the annoying tossers ?!

Discuss! :)

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Our Election Manifesto pt 3 ... Domestic & Environmental Policies

1. All Catholic Priests must sign the sex register upon Ordination and will be banned from keeping small boys under their beds or in their closets.


2. All tree huggers will be treated as perverts and be prosecuted under the 2008 Tree Preservation Order.


3. The wearing of Burkas or other letter-box fancy dress gear will be outlawed immediately. Anyone caught wearing them will be subject to the penalties under Article 1 of our Immigration & Employment policy.  


4. Anyone found trying to implement Sharia Law in the UK will be subject to the penalties under Article 1 of our Immigration & Employment policy.


5. A light curfew will be implemented at 22:00hrs daily in order to save on CO2 emmisions, light polution and help save moths and insects from incineration (ie "going into the light"). 


6. Anyone under the age of 21 found on the streets after 22:00hrs is liable to be arrested or shot.


7. PCSOs will be disbanded and replaced by real policemen and women, equipped with Night Vision Goggles and HK MP5s. (to assist in the upkeep of Article 6)


8. To help protect the youth of the future, all Catholic schools will be burnt down.


9. Capital Punishment will be reinstated immediately for bankers, rapists, paedophiles, bent lawyers, and murderers in the form of Public Burnings At The Stake. These Burnings will take place on Friday evenings at 20:00 and will be known as The BBQ Hour. (see Article 27)


10.  UK Territorial Waters will be doubled to 24nm and exclusive fishing rights will be granted to UK fishing vessels only.


11. Highways Agency Traffic Officers, VOSA, Traffic Wardens & St John's Ambulance will be disbanded and it's members forced into real employment.


12. All teaching staff are to be allowed to use maximum force against unruly pupils where warranted. Dumbbells and HK MP5s will be standard classroom issue to staff.


13. UK Military Rules of Engagement currently require a warning to be issued before opening fire. Currently it states that the warning 'Army/RAF/Marines etc - Stop Or I Fire' should be shouted twice. This will be changed to one shout of 'Freeze Bitch Or Else!'. 


14. Minimum driving and drinking age limits will be raised to over 25's only


15. All foreign vehicles must pay UK road tax for using UK roads.


16. All Sunday drivers and OAPs will be banned from driving to assist CO2 emissions.


17. Ryanair & Air France will be banned from UK airports and airways to reduce CO2 emissions and ugly people.


18. Country Singers will be banned and subject to the penalties under Article 1 of our Immigration & Employment policy. (except Miley Cyrus and Shania Twain).


19. In order to have a truly equal society, the MOBOs and Association of Black Police Officers etc will be banned.


20. A new post of UK President will be created in which Jeremy Clarkson will be Knighted and given the role.


21. All Daytime TV, Soap Dramas, crap TV ads, RomComs, GMTV, MUTV, Strictly Come Dancing, Dancing On Ice & Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber programmes will be banned immediately.


22. Anyone preaching or trying to implement Political Correctness will be subject to the penalties under Article 1 of our Immigration & Employment policy.


23. The Human Rights Act 1998 will be revoked immediately, along with all associated agencies.


24. National Lottery Funding will only be given to viable British projects.


25. All Charity monies raised can only be donated to British Causes.


26. The National Anthem will be replaced with Rule Britannia (Royal Navy personnel are banned from dancing along to this though. See Article 8 of the Foreign & Defence Policy). 


27. Solid Fuels will be reduced and Renewable Fuels for homes & businesses will become mandatory by 2015. The bodies of OAPs and those incinerated under Article 9, will be recycled into Renewable Fuel to assist in this process.


28. All Mobility Scooters will be permanently banned from public areas.


29. All ugly & smelly people will be sent to live in France where they will go unnoticed.


30. All Ginger people will be sent back to Scotland.

Our Election Manifesto pt 2 ... Foreign & Defence Policies

1 The ancient rule of Prima Nocta will be immediately reintroduced in Scotland.

2 Irn Bru & Deep Fried Mars Bars in Scotland will be classified as Class A drugs and banned immediately.

3 All Welsh Nationals will be required to rescind their crimes against sheep and be forced to adopt St George as their Patron Saint.

4 If no significant improvement in the French attitude towards Britain is obvious within six months, a State of War will be declared on the garlic smelling snail eating arrogant cocks.

5 The US will be required to include France, Belgium, Germany, Iceland & Argentina on the Axis of Evil list.

6 Full military and economic aid will be accorded to the State of Israel.

7 French & Spanish fishing vessels will be sunk on sight within British Territorial Waters (again creating meaningful employment for The Royal Navy).

8 Royal Navy male personnel will be banned from dancing with each other and wearing women's clothing when off duty.

9 Iceland will be forced to plug all Volcanoes and pay back every penny owed to the UK by their inept banking structure.

10 The UK first strike policy of nuclear warheads will be permissible against all countries on the Axis of Evil, especially France. France itself and it's colonies will be legal territory for the testing of UK nuclear weapons.

11 The 1997 Transfer of Sovereignty for Hong Kong to China will be revoked. China will be required to hand over Hong Kong Territories immediately to the UK. Failure to comply will result in the immediate takeover of all UK based Chinese Restaurants and repatriation of Chinese Nationals under Article 1 of our Immigration & Employment policy.

12 The US & all EU Nations will be required to implement a total ban on all Corned Beef imports from Argentina, thus crippling the Argentinian economy and reducing their ability to invade British territories ever again.

13 All monies saved from Article 1 of our Immigration & Employment policy will be added to the Defence Budget.

14 All foreign economic and development aid to third world nations will cease immediately and the monies saved will be used in the UK (but not Wales).

15 All UK households will be required to have a shed at the bottom of their garden or yard, in which this will become the permanent residence (whilst in the country) of all persons allowed entry into the UK under Article 3 of our Immigration & Employment policy.


16 EU Subsidies will be redistributed fairly as follows: 50% to the UK, and the rest shared equally to all other EU countries apart from France and Germany.


17 The EU Parliament currently based in Brussels will be relocated to Manchester. All EU Laws will only be passed upon agreement of the UK. Any policies or laws not deemed beneficial to the UK will be vetoed immediately and the proposing nation will be added to the Axis of Evil and subject to all penalties included in Article 10.

Our Election Manifesto pt 1 ... Immigration & Employment Policies

1 All illegal immigrants must declare themselves to the authorities immediately. Upon declaration, we will do our utmost to find them jobs and housing - back in their own countries. Training in building updated banana boats will be given for crossing the English Channel back to France. Repatriation for illegals requiring travel further afield will be provided free of charge (once they have completed sufficient recompense for their earlier scrounging).

2 All French ports will be blockaded by the Royal Navy (thus creating a use for the Navy at last) and any illegals trying to cross into the UK via the Channel Tunnel or Eurostar will be declared "enemy combatants" and treated accordingly.

3 Immigration visas will only be provided for those that can support themselves and have legitimate job offers - verified by British authorities. Excellent written and verbal command of the English language is also a mandatory requirement. These posts will be non-accompanied (ie no families may be dragged along) until 5 year exemplary service to the UK has been achieved. No benefits or social services will be permitted.

4 French Authorities found aiding any illegals in attempting to cross into UK territory will be subject to immediate assassination or rendition in UK Military Prisons.

5 Travel into England from Wales will be denied to Welsh Nationals unless they have mitigating circumstances. The Severn Bridge toll charges will be raised to £1000 per person, £5000 per vehicle and £20000 per coach for travel out of Wales and will only apply to Welsh Nationals. The money from this tax will be used to reteach the Welsh the correct use of the English language and removal of Welsh language signs and literature, thus helping their economy and increasing jobs.

6 All Scottish nationals wishing to travel south of the border will be denied permission if they are in possession of bagpipes or have ginger hair. The only exception to this rule will be good looking non-ginger single nymphomaniac females. No mingers allowed.

7 All Scousers will be forced into work, or rule 1 will apply and be enforced with extreme prejudice.

8 All Chavs & Hoodies will be required to complete 12 months mandatory service at UK Military Bases, acting as live target practice for HM Forces. Trainers, shellsuits & burials will be provided. (See Articles 9 & 27 of the Domestic & Environmental Policy for Burial Procedures)

9 Job Seekers Allowance will only be given to those who have previously been in full time employment for 15 years. Anyone not meeting this requirement will be given mandatory work improving public facilities and infrastructure.

10 Anyone not in full time employment, or voluntarily working for the greater good of the country will find themselves falling foul of Article 1.

11 All Australian Nationals attempting to enter the UK will be subject to a Criminal Records Check going back to 1770 AD. This should ensure entry denied. (The Minogue Sisters are obviously exempt from this rule).

12 All US Nationals attempting to enter the UK will be forced to undergo British Military Recognition exams and will be banned from eating at fast food restaurants.

13 No French nationals will be allowed into the UK unless they arrive under Article 4 (Rendition) or are currently awaiting processing under Article 4 (Assasination).


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